The Six Stages of Political Grief

I have felt a lot of emotions since the election. It has taken me a while to realize that I’ve been in the nonlinear process of grief.

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross worked with dying patients and observed five stages of grief in response to a terminal diagnosis. The same stages apply to our current shared experience of political, or societal grief. But this grief process doesn’t end with our death. It ends with a choice.

Denial. Well, it’s awful but it won’t be that bad. Our political institutions are strong enough to prevent what has happened in other places and other times. We got through the first Trump administration and we’ll get through this one. Hey, reproductive freedom referenda passed in seven states. There are a few honorable Republicans who will block Trump’s worst efforts. We have Lisa Murkowski and Susan Collins.

Anger. If they’re not selfish millionaires or billionaires (screw you, Jeff Bezos!) Trump voters are idiots. You think Biden’s responsible for inflation? Morons! They’re ok with forced birth? Did they miss Trump’s attempted putsch? January 6? The horrendous racism? The rape culture? The toxic masculinity? Putin? Biden should have dropped out earlier! I said there should have been a primary! They screwed Bernie 8 years ago and now look! “Defund the police” — are you f’n kidding me? Nothing to stop the war criminals in Israel? The Dem establishment are a bunch of crypt keepers - get out of the way!

Bargaining. Please. If Gallego can hold on in Arizona. If we can just avoid senator Kari Lake! I’m not crazy about Jared Golden but if we can just keep the New England house delegations 100% Democratic - that’ll be a statement. If we can flip two more House seats in California. Save Mary Peltola in Alaska. Give us a Dem gain in the House, even one seat. I’ll accept that. Come on!

Depression. We’re done. We’re screwed. The planet is toast. Nice run, America. Democratic experiment - failed. I didn’t do enough - I was a lazy bitch. I’m so stupid. I didn’t think this would happen. Now I’m definitely an anti-natalist - don’t being children into this mess. I dread the future. Dread is reality. Let’s do a dread group. Let’s form a suicide support group. I’m joining the Hemlock Society - come with me.

Acceptance. Whoa. This sucks. I have to sit with this. I don’t have all the answers for how this happened. I’ll need to tolerate that. This is very uncomfortable. I need to sit with this discomfort. It’s true. It’s real. Whoa. I really, really wish it were different. It’s not. This is actually quite painful. I have to accept this reality and the feelings. I’m going to breathe with it. It’s still upsetting. I think it will be painful for quite a while. But I have prior experience with grief. I know the only way out is through.

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The sixth stage is a choice of responses to the trauma that caused the grief. What is to be done? Do I have a choice between fight, flight, freeze, and fawn? Or is that determined by my personality and nervous system? Are there other options?

Fight? OK. I’m a peaceful warrior. I can fight. Nonviolent resistance, maybe, but how? I’ve been arrested before but getting arrested now would be a problem because of my job, my family, my age and what good would that do? Honestly, I’m afraid of what the cops and FBI will be like in the next four years, maybe beyond. I don’t want to get my head cracked open. I’ll need to find comrades for an affinity group where we can support each other and think critically about effective action. Community makes a lot of things easier to bear and imagine. But I’m an introvert and find community building exhausting. Does writing postcards count as fighting back?

Flight? I could leave the country but there’s the visa problem and work permits. Or I could stay and go to a dispensary for some potent indica bud, buy some top end headphones, listen to great tunes, and look for the hidden meanings in adult cartoons. Or go back to my buddies Jackie D and Jimmy B. Wait. Did psilocybin get legalized? Now is the time for me to improve my golf, tennis, chess game. I’m gonna “turn on, tune in, and drop out” because we pulled out all the stops for this election and nothing worked. It’s not crazy to take care of ourselves in a crazy society. I’ve got a cool backyard. I’ll hang there where no one can see me. No one will bother me if I keep it on the down low.

Freeze? What? I don’t talk about politics. We don’t discuss politics in this house.

Fawn? I don’t want to dismiss Trump supporters. They saw something I missed. We think we know best. They’re right - we are elitists. We felt compelled to support trans girls in girl sports? No wonder we lost. Pronouns? I’m a progressive but I get sick and tired of hearing people complain about “white supremacy culture” (expecting people to get to work on time is white supremacy culture?) and micro-aggressions you need an electron microscope to find. And mandatory DEIB employee meetings? It’s a hustle. And “anthropogenic” global warming? Faculty lounge language. We’re out of touch with most Americans. It doesn’t hurt to befriend Trump supporters, especially since they’ll be in power. I can do more, actually, if I work inside the system. There will be a lot of job openings in the federal government because Trump is getting rid of a lot of civil service positions, aka “the deep state.” LOL. Whatever. I’ll call it the deep state. They want me to say he won in 2020? OK. Hey, maybe he did! He won this time, right?

I’ve considered several options within options. But they all seem to focus on what’s best for me.

Then I had an insight. How about this? Prepare to support and protect those most at risk for victimization in the ways they most need help.

There’s no value in being paranoid, or treating frightening future possibilities as present events. But it would be foolish and irresponsible not to prepare to protect and assist the most likely victims of a fascist regime. “It won’t happen here” is the mistake no one should make again. It is happening here and we’re not at the earliest stages of a fascist nightmare.

Women have been derogated and many have lost legal control of their bodies, and it may get worse. Boys are already harassing girls in school and online with “your body—my choice.” Immigrants, documented or not, are seriously endangered and will need help of various kinds. Transsexuals will be targeted and that contempt could easily spread across LGBTQ+ We will all need to be vigilant.

White Christian nationalism has triumphed, at least for now. People of color, including those who voted for Republicans, just became much less protected in employment and on the street. The rage to punish will be expressed throughout the criminal justice system. Muslims will be demonized. And if we take the history of fascism as a guide, anti-semitic attacks will increase.

The climate needs intense attention and action but who will have the time?

Obamacare may be repealed and we’ll need to find a way to provide health care for those without insurance. We’ll need pro bono attorneys and support for the ACLU and similar organizations.

We will need to be together, in supportive affinity groups that are a part of larger coalitions.

Gandhi’s autobiography is titled, The Story of My Experiments With Truth. Yes, we will need to experiment.

We may need to free ourselves from other commitments to be able to respond for emergency action.

We will need to make choices.

more at jimhannon.substack.com